DC followed me home...

Okay, so let me give you the set up to this rant:

I'm an Illinois native (Waukegan/Gurnee to be exact). I lived in the great District of Columbia from 04-08 during college and like "Country Mouse goes to the City" (cuz my friends insist that if a place is called Gurnee and its still officially considered a "village", it must be country. Objection) I fell in love with the whole atmosphere. I was out of my comfort zone, but thrived in a new place. Met all kinds of people from all walks of life and learned a bunch. Great place for getting cultured if you're waiting for your passport. But what WASN'T a romance was...

Not being able to walk 50 ft without some RANDOM man trying to holla at you. And its not just the "stop and stare and say 'hey how you doing'" thing either. Its a whole new breed of CRAP-TASTIC game that these fellas developed. Oh and they don't discriminate. I had a 67 yr old man roll up to me in a motorized wheel-chair and a brown bag of liquor in his lap and ask could he be my boyfriend (no lie). I could write a book on the instances...

Since I've been home however, I haven't had to worry about that because not only is it too suburban and far apart to walk ANYWHERE meaningful for me (especially in this weather), thats just not what people do around here...OR so I thought.

Enter "creepy man" (as I'll call him). I'm at the campus of a community college I'm attending and getting my classes set up. As my sis and I are leaving we passed by a gentleman going the opposite direction. Good ol' home training taught me to acknowledge a person when you meet eyes out of respect. So I smiled...BIG MISTAKE. This man, who was on the phone, stops dead and proclaims in the hall way, 

"Your face! Looks real familiar. Where have I seen you?"

"Nowhere sir"

"Well, I see you now. Lemme talk to you a minute"

"Sorry. I've gotta get going" (still walking away)

"Can I get yo number?" (yelling down the hall)

"No"

"You dropped something"

(My dumb behind stops to look for it)

"Don't worry I'll get it for you"

(Realizing how dumb I just was, I resume walking) "I don't need it" (Speeding up. And I clear the exit where a security guard was conveniently near by)

But honestly. Its always the WRONG ones who are the boldest. This is an epidemic.

Merriam Webster is Closed

"Hey I've been waiting for you"

I'm bracing myself for a familiar, but no less taxing conversation.

"Oh really?"

"Yeup. How was your day?"

"It was fine. Urs?"

"It was ok. I really need to get away"...

I close my eyes, take a deep breath and wonder whether I should do the civil thing and take the bait for his need to vent.

"Why's that?"

"A bunch of stuff, I just need to clear my head"...

And there it is. The bait and switch. Many times I've let my natural disposition to care for the well being of others get me into perpetuating cycles of self-destruction. One would think that I was popular. All the invitations that I get to pity parties and all. It never fails that I find a way to R.S.V.P. and show up. But when its all over, the only party favors I leave with are exhaustion and a headache.

"...I know I've been singing the same stuff to you lately, but thats just how I feel. I think about you a lot."

I'm cautious. I have to be. My words are concise and calculated so that I don't set myself up for another one of "those" conversations. I can't afford to say something that would send me back to that. So I resolve not to say much of anything.

"I see"

But really I don't. I don't see how he has yet to realize that I've stopped caring about what he SAYS he feels for me. His words and his actions are on opposite ends of the earth (significantly farther than we are geographically) and he has no plans in sight to connect the two. There is only so many times we can TALK about making it work and doing things better. There are only so many WORDS to tell me how much he cares. Only so many ways to TELL me that he knows he messed/ is messing up before he needs to SHOW and PROVE and DO something to FIX it.

Because waiting around for him say something, say anything is what got me here in the first place. Waiting for my phone to ring, ding, beep, or vibrate with a call, text, email or instant message is what's brought us here. Actually, electronic communication shouldn't have so much power. I wasn't waiting for a call, or an email, or a text, or an instant message. I was waiting for him. He didn't have to fly cross country with flowers in hand and surprise me at my doorstep. Then, all I wanted was to get to talk to him. The simplest of requests.

Such a little act, meant as much as an embrace in each other's company. But it wasn't reciprocated. I had to figure out how I could be with someone and still feel like I'm single. He couldn't keep the simplest of requests so I had to retrain myself not to depend on it; or to depend on him. 

So now he expects me to flock towards him and all the things he wants to SAY now? That ship has sailed. Back then I was willing to settle for words, by mistake. But now, I'm all about saying what you mean and meaning what you say (i.e. DOING).

....I'm tired. Goodnight.

(for future reference, he will be known as "Neutral". Because that's just what he seems to be stuck in)

P90x is the new masochism...

Its official. I'm taking the plunge and doing the P90x program starting February 1st. Will I stick to it you ask? Of course. How so?... 

I paid for it. Thats how. I'm never one to waste time, energy, or MONEY (what kind of accountant would that make me?) So committing the funds have locked me into putting 1000% into this program. Plus I already own a cute bathing suit that would go great with the new physical fitness. Call it "tangible" motivation. 

I've been researching long enough, working up the nerve, and getting myself in decent physical condition to take it on. With the image of the end results in the back of my mind, I just have this to say to about the upcoming 90 days: 

You don't scare me Tony Horton. Even when every fiber of my being sets fire, I'm still gonna beast this program. I'm ready (as I program my phone to voice dial 911). 

Social Networking is the new "Hey Girl"

So I have a Facebook account and all, which is nice because I want to keep up with the friends I've made in college. Now, when I joined, it was catering to only college students at the time. Hallelujah! I didn't have to be harassed by "the best new artist you've never heard of in music" or the "we're in the same city, let's hook up" crowd of MySpace (no offense). 

But now, its too much. Facebook (aka MySpace 2.0) has become a bit of a monster and has opened its doors to all those people you would've hoped not have found you in the first place. And the young ones (like I'm not young. lol) really don't understand that there's a difference between using abbreviated text/IM slang and just not knowing english. 

I have a small close-knit circle of friends, but I certainly don't mind meeting new people. Folk come in and out of your life for a reason, so why not learn as much from people as possible right? Well, that philosophy has its kinks. Case in point...

When did it become okay to message a person as such; and I quote, "Hey how u hit me back"? A complete stranger, mind you. Like...sir...WHAT??!! 

Sir, please cancel your account, and grow some tact.

Resolution Revolution

Instead of doing the annual "get my life together" ritual and wait until exactly January 1st to kick off a resolution, I've decided to give myself a month head start. 

I'm taking a whole new approach to resolutions. Gone are the days of watching the ball drop while simultaneously seeing my freedom drop with it. No more bracing myself for the "bondage" of discipline and sacrifice. Far from me will be the demon of defeat looming over me feeding into my all or nothing mentality, thus setting myself up for doom. Nuh uh, not I. 

THIS time, I'm turning the tables on...me. I've got a new attitude like Patti. The goals are the same, but I'm adding a dash of fun and excitement to the ingredient list. I'm swapping dropping pounds for gaining some new found athleticism. I'm trading in my "anti-procrastination campaign" for a "learn/do-something-new" initiative. I'm on a mission to have more fun as opposed to not have a bad day. And singing along to my favorite tunes in AND out of the shower is a new requisite for daily living. 

My outdated version of a resolution is no more. I'm introducing the new and improved. So stay tuned.... 

The Resolution WILL be televised.

Reset the meter...

Its January 1st, 2009. For many its a time for reflection and taking inventory of our lives and an opportunity for new beginnings. It is no different for me. I've started my new beginning a month early in fact, but its no less as important for me to take an honest look at where I'm heading, what I want to accomplish, and how I want to get there.

I've decided to take better care of my body by eating healthy and exercise regularly. I'm proud to report I've over come the 3 week hurdle of making it a habit and now its become a part of life. But there is still much work I need to do. So I came across a post that really gives me and anyone else going into 2009 a chance to take "Existential Inventory".

Once you take a hard look the questions and answer them with blunt honesty, it definitely an eye-opener.

Be honest and be ready.