Love, Lockdown the Heartless

I did it.

I messed around and became one of those people who so lost them-self in the "idea" that now I can barely recognize who I am. All for the sake of not being a quitter. And look where its gotten me; a slightly odd mix of songs on repeat from Dawn Richard's "Tip Toe" to Jazmine Sullivan's "Live a Lie" to Kanye's "Heartless", and a headache to constitute a Richter measurement. 

I've picked up my phone at least 12 times in the past hour, 6 of them I've pressed that green button in vain. Yet I'm still up, more out of habit than hope. I've become desperate. Don't get it twisted...not the desperate you're thinking of. I've been blessed with far too much sense far too long for it to completely leave. But I am desperately struggling to not appease my inner desire to become the woman so heartless and go filling my voids spending time with the ones I know I can have, but don't want just to say "be worried".

I'm succeeding for the most part (by default of living in the middle of nowhere), but also because I've come a long way in realizing that side of me is my former extremely low tolerance for even the slightest imperfection mixed with a fortress of defense mechanisms and immaturity. But every now and again, the urge to be the kind of bitchy that puts Blair Waldorf to shame comes back and I revel in the days when I felt invulnerable. That false sense of untouchable came with its price...a body temperature far below 98.6, and additional chill from the gaping hole where a pulse was supposed to originate. So why this internal battle if such a past seems to not be an attractive option?

Because insomnia still keeps me company and tears still sting my face like they did back then. The difference is that now, its over someone besides myself. At least then, I had just myself to hold accountable...but how do I fix this?

The Ultimate Shrug

There is an emotion worse than anger.

Indifference.

Even in anger, you're devoting some bit of energy toward something or someone. Its significant enough to you to do such. And when the anger subsides, decisions are made whether to get over it or never forget it. Either way, it still holds a place of significance in one's life.

Refusing/ceasing to care, on the other hand, I don't know...can you really salvage what means nothing to you anymore?

Palin to America....Gotcha!

So I just finished watching the Vice Presidential debate and NOT much to my surprise, many are viewing her performance as redeeming to her campaign and an end to the downward slope in public opinion of her. So I want to take the time to give Gov. Palin and the McCain campaign their due...

...well played chaps, well played.

I have witnessed an ingenious performance in which a good portion of the audience, the American people, have been successfully punk'd. The thing is, we won't see Ashton popping out of a bush (or a podium for that matter) saying so. The events leading up to tonight's debate all but screamed that Palin was going to be the downfall of McCain's bid for the White House. Her twilight zone interview with Katie Couric seemed to be a huge nail in the political coffin and tonight's debate was anticipated by some to be the nail that sealed it shut. America tuned in to see a side show....

But it didn't happen. The debate was mediocre at best and thats exactly why Palin was successful tonight. Her objective was to redeem herself to her disenchanted supporters and reaffirm the average American appeal that boosted her in the first place. And she did just that. (Keep in mind, I haven't mentioned how successful she was on the issues)

How coincidental is it that her television appearances leading up to tonight were so horrid and from left field (no pun intended) that she couldn't go anywhere but up?  Strategy. The Obama and McCain campaign both knew that when it comes to speaking on the issues and getting into the specifics of the country's policies and its history of legislation and decision making, Biden has it hands down. So what do you do when you're about to enter a losing battle? Change the objective. How? By shifting the focus of the audience. The sudden image of her being cloistered from the media, coupled with her train wreck that told us why was the catalyst towards changing America's focus from her stance on the issues to being simply able to answer a question...any question. With the bar now being set so low, she's now given herself a handicap to even the playing field.

And just as the debate has ended, the critics and analysts are doing exactly what I saw coming. They are giving her props for doing better than "expected" and calling her successful in reestablishing faith that she's that hockey-mom maverick we all know and love and that she was just having an off week. Left by the wayside is that fact that several times she neglected to answer a question by reverting her answers towards her energy gold mine she calls home and that she and John McCain are the dynamic duo of shootin' from the hip. (Thats all well and good, but all we wanted to know was what is your Achilles heel, if not the inexperience?)

So I must give 2 points to Palin for an excellent job at changing the game, mid-play and the refs still didn't blow the whistle.